That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
