Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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