just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
