you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
