Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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