I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
