Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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