I think I died a long time ago.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
