i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize