I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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