I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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