My friends, they love my intelligence
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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