Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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