Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
