So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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