The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm too high and old for this...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
