3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
