We won't sleep together?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
