i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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