I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize