I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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