I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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