Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
His nipple licking is glorious
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