i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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