i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize