I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
