sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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