so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Randomize
