Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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