I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize