There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
