Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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