Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
