The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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