guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
