Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
