Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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