hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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