Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
