he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
