Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize