Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
