And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
