omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
