Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
