Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
