the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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