I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
