Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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