I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
These tits shall not be calmed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
