In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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