im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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