i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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