The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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