sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
then he tried to convert me to islam
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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