Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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