I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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