i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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