she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
