dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
