tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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