he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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