i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He passed out mid-signature
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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