This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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