Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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