Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
