I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
