Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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